Where I came from

For many years I struggled with an addiction more and more females (and males) are beginning to face. An eating disorder. An eating disorder? Since when is that an addiction? A behavioral addiction is anything that "harms an individual's health, mental state, or social life". And an eating disorder is just that. It's hard point out that exact spot in time when it took a hold of me. After all my counseling and therapy we know that it wasn't something that just came out of no where. I never woke up saying, "So, today's a good day to start being bulimic. The suns shining, the skies are blue, and life is pretty good. How about I try out an eating disorder?" That simply sounds down right silly! The truth is that I've always had a mind set of a bulimic. I've never felt good enough. Even in elementary school I remember thinking I didn't measure up. I remember comments from family members about my chubbiness, remarks from kids at school, etc. I'm sure no one ever thought anything of it. I was the goof at school. I laughed along, made my own jokes, and pretended like I didn't mind. And at the time I'm sure I didn't mind. But somewhere in the back of my brain, I guess I did care.




In seventh grade my parents went through a fairly messy divorce. One day my dad was there, the next he wasn't. He abandoned me. All I could think was, "How could he leave me?" I'm not going to down play fathers leaving a baby - but I was nearly a teenager. He got to know me. He watched me grow up. And then he left - after knowing everything about me? He didn't walk away from me before he got to know me, he walked away after he already knew me. What else is there to think besides, "what did I do wrong?" I think that's when it really started to grab a hold of me. So much was going on in my life at that point. Just like any preteen girl I was starting to notice boys, realizing differences in people, and so on. Middle school began the final stage of separation between rich and poor, cute and ugly, the cool and the not-so-cool. Up until that point I always hung out with the "cool" crowd, mainly because of the area I lived in and the fact that I went to the most well-off elementary school in the district. But anyhow, my ED began to slip into my life.

It was probably around the summer before freshman year that it became a big issue. It was either freshman or sophomore year when I landed myself in the hospital for the first, and not the last, time. I was lucky that it never got to the point of inpatient treatment, although my mom and therapist did discuss it a few times and did contact a treatment center for girls with eating disorders. (Sidenote: it's almost May. Why do I see snow coming down fairly heavily when I look out my window?) All throughout high school I dealt with my ED. I missed plenty of school and found it hard to even make it through a day. Eventually I fell so far behind that I was told there was no way I'd be able to graduate high school. I think that's when my world came crashing down on me. Everything started to catch up to me. Sleeping around, showing off my body, sexual immortality, skipping school, lying, running away, the anger, everything. My world literally began spinning and never stopped until it collapsed. I was a mess and I knew it. Heck, I'm still a fairly big mess.

It's so surreal to talk about. I've always carried a mind set of, "it wasn't that bad", but now that I'm growing and recovering, I'm understanding it was a big deal. To this day, a year after I was able to stop going to therapy, I still find myself battling the ED on occasion. Last night was one of those nights. But I'll find strength in the Lord. He kept me from hitting rock bottom, He never left me, and the whole time I was dealing with my ED, He kept me from diving all the way in. If I hadn't known Him, I'm not sure I would be able to say I'm recovering right now. I can guarantee I wouldn't be writing this today if I hadn't grown up knowing Christ. I'm so blessed I had a Christian family and a church as I struggled.

So, that's where I came from. Now where do I go?