Why am I waiting for tomorrow?

Maybe today I'll start believing

That you're mercy is really

As real as you say it is

It doesn't matter who I used to be

It only matters that I've been set free

You rescued me, You're changing me

Jesus take everything.

Saturday night I made a bad decision. And I'm not even exactly sure why I did it. Maybe it's stress getting the best of me. Maybe I'm tired of going through the motions of my day to day life. Wake up, hurry to work, go to class, study a little bit here and there, then rinse, repeat. The daily grind is getting to me. There's really nothing I'm looking forward to. Nothing pushing me through these cloudy, rainy, chilly days. I can make all the excuses I want. I can defend my actions. But I know that if I had been spending spending time in His word and with Him, I wouldn't have made that choice I made on Saturday night. In a way, I "cheated" on God. Or at least that's how I feel.


Mandisa's song, "Waiting for Tomorrow" hit it right on the head. Why am I waiting for tomorrow when every day is a new day to start over? I always say, "well, tomorrow will be a good time to put away this sin" but tomorrow never comes. It's a vicious cycle. I mess up, feel bad, say I'll never do it again, I walk the walk for a while, then I always fall again. It's not even a slight stumble. It is a full blown fall. And it drives me nuts! Why does this happen? Well, Leslie,  it's because you let your relationship with Christ go stale.
But how do you stop that from happening? One day I'm filled to the rim and the next I'm dry as a bone. How on earth am I supposed to keep this little flame burning hot for God? Relationships take work. We have to keep in touch with people. Texting, Facebooking, calling, etc. It all takes time. If I don't make time for God of course our relationship is going to suffer. You can't stop talking to your best friend then all of a sudden, three months later, expect everything to be the same. And that's how it is with Christ. Thankfully, He doesn't hold grudges like many humans do. That's another thing that boggles my mind.

How can He forgive me so easily? How can God, holy and perfect, love a girl like me? I'm dirty. I'm so far from perfect. I'm a wreck. A mess. A failure. A liar. And I can be selfish. Shallow. Earthly. Prideful. I am everything God hates. Envious. Lustful. A gossiper. And yet - He loves me?! I've denied Him. I've ignored Him. I have walked away. I am the reason Jesus was killed. Saturday night a guy asked what my ring said. I turned it so the words "true love waits" weren't showing... and then I sinned.

Today is a new day. Today I'm recommitting myself to a life of purity. And I'm not waiting for tomorrow anymore. I am going to forgive myself for my past. God forgave me before I even sinned so how come I've been struggling for over a year to forgive myself for the person I used to be? Why do I let the girl I used to be influence the woman I am today?

Today, I'm going to forgive myself.