Fearfully Yours

All I want is to be a woman of God, I want to reflect His love to the world, and I want to have a passionate, on fire, relationship with Him. I want to have a thirst for Him, I want to have a hunger that only He can satisfy. I want Him to be my best friend, my strong tower, my refuge, my guide, the one who leads me. I want Him to be my source of comfort, my never ending supply of strength, and the one I crave more than anything else in the entire world. I want to breathe God. I want His love to pour out of me, I want Him to recognize me, I want Him to greet me with open arms when I reach Heaven's gates and say, "welcome home, daughter". There's nothing more I want than to have a head over heels, out of the ball park, to the moon and back, relationship with my Savior. He is amazing. So, then, how come it's so hard to have that relationship with Him?




I know that living for God is not only the best, but the only way to live. I know that He's real, I know that Jesus Christ, God in flesh, came from Heaven to earth to die for my sins, then rose from the grave. Every fiber, every ounce, every single part of me knows that the Bible is true. How can it not be? So many times I find myself in this exact same position. On the ground, face down, tears, and recommitting myself to Christ. He is all that I want. And I understand that He's the only one who can "fix" and "complete" me. He's my GPS, my tour guide, my road map, whatever you want to call it. He's simply my only way to make it through this world.

Sometimes I wonder, "why? Why do you do this to yourself?" How come every time I come this much closer to God, I take a step back? How come there always seems to be a part of me nagging to back off? How come I'm so afraid of God? I understand we should fear Him, but shouldn't I feel safe in His arms as well? I'm afraid of being judged. Sometimes I just want to hide from Him. I get so, so scared. Sometimes I wish there was a "rewind" button because I'm so embarrassed about how I've lived the past 20 years. What if I can't do it? I know I'll never be perfect. And I hate that. I hate letting people down. And I don't want to let God down. I don't want to meet Him and have Him say, "who are you?" Or even worse, have Him turn away from me without saying a word. I just want Him to be happy with me. I want to be accepted. Oh, God, I just want to be accepted and feel loved, beautiful, and wonderfully made. I can make all the friends in the world. I can get all the attention from all the guys in the world. I can have a seven digit income. I could have all the acceptance in the world, but you know what? I don't think I'd still feel good enough. Because I need God's acceptance. I need to be His. But, how can I do that when I don't even know where to start?