Create in me a still heart

Last night I tossed and turned in bed for a good two hours. I took a sleeping pill - which I'm trying to quit - and it didn't even help. At eleven PM I grabbed my pillow and I ventured down the hall and into my parent's bedroom. Yes, I am an adult, I know this. But I was burning up with a fever. My head was pounding. My throat was aching. Every time I closed my eyes I started to spin. My stomach was churning. My body was weak. And all I wanted was my mom. (Not to mention they have the most comfortable mattress ever).  I had to work at 5:45 this morning, like just about every morning, and I kept thinking, "I'm going to be so tired tomorrow". I fell asleep in there and woke up an hour later and went back to my bed for a restless sleep.



Hopefully tonight I can rest soundly. I haven't had a peaceful night in a while. Unisom sleep aid has become a good friend of mine. Why can't I just relax?

Although I'm still not feeling the best, I did go to the gym for a light work out. I felt anxious all afternoon and needed some exercise to take my mind off of things. So many questions have been hustling and bustling, twisting and turning, and flipping and flopping in my little brain. Questions such as:

What do I want to major in?
What do I want to be when I "grow up"?
Is college right for me?
What if I'm wasting my time and money?
What if I can't do it?
What if I fail?
And how come I just can't seem to trust God?
How come if I know His plan is wonderful, I still worry?
If I know He's protecting me, why do I fear?
Why am I afraid of the future?
Should I remain single?
Should I even invest time in "the boy"?
And the biggest thing of all -
How come I can't forgive myself?

Tomorrow I work at 6:45 which means I get to sleep in until 6:15. Then I'm meeting Kristin for a quick coffee and chat session afterwards. Melanie randomly texted me that we should go to the Brewer game tomorrow. I agreed. We're being spontaneous tomorrow. And I can't wait for this adventure. I should get some sleep, good-night.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for being the ultimate sacrifice. I love You. And I want a better relationship with You. Help me take up my cross after You. Create in me a still heart and a calm mind and a peaceful heart. Help me rest tonight in the knowing that I'm forgiven, re-made, and loved. I'm cherished. I belong to You. I'm not alone, even when I feel like there's no one else around. You never leave me. Thank you. Thank you for loving me and accepting me.